52 - 📉 - Q2 Quarterly Report
we've had better quarters
Hello esteemed shareholders.
Before we talk about this quarter’s performance, let’s first review some of the monumental achievements we made:
We received signals from other dimensions, which may or may not be constantly collapsing
We became aware of the existence of the so-called “Sunset City” which probably can’t be reached by conventional means, but definitely has its own culture
We established that, using Sunset City as a conduit, time travel is possible, though as previously mentioned we have no idea how to reach the City so this fact can be exploited.
Let’s take a moment to all pat ourselves on the back for these accomplishments.
Now it’s time for us to deliver the real news. We don’t like to bullshit so let’s get straight to the point without beating around the bush and without delay: we’re in a real bind, economically speaking. Due to market factors beyond our control, including but not limited to international conflict, product supersaturation, shifting weather patterns, and the increasing price of dairy, we may need to make some tough decisions in the months ahead.
Rest assured, we are not entertaining the idea of layoffs at this time. However, we are deeply considering cost optimizations in terms of restructuring, which may result in a reduction in force between 10 to 80% of our current labor supply. Please consult the attached performance summary to see a detailed description of various probably future scenarios.
The bottom line is: we’re extremely unpopular and we have no market presence. Our readership numbers almost in the tens. This is not a great situation for us in our goal to become the world’s leading platform for experimental fiction and music appreciation.
In order for us to turn this ship around, we are establishing new companywide OKRs, which we believe are completely feasible:
O1: Acquire the highest number of subscribers in all of Substack
KR1: Subscriber base has grown by 50 million percent
KR2: Each post is shared at least 10,000 times
Our analysis has shown that complete market domination would be ideal compared to being completely unknown. If every one of our readers shared our publication with 2 friends, we estimate that we would reach our goals in about 520 years. This isn’t an ideal rate, so we are going to start asking readers to share by the thousands with anyone: dearest friends, enemies, distant relations, and outright strangers.
O2: Establish extreme reliability with our readership
KR1: 180 new Tasting Notes have been published
KR2: All comments have been responded to with a personal haiku
We have previously aimed for releasing a Tasting Note every other week. In actuality we have achieved one release every three weeks. If we want to achieve total marketplace domination, we have to move to a 1 day sprint cycle with one, ideally 5, releases every day.
We also want to establish a rapport with our active subscriber base. This will require extreme attention to what they are saying and making a nonsensical response.
O3: Capitalize on Project Sigma Omega Seven
KR1: Project Sigma Omega Seven has been defined
KR2: Project Sigma Omega Seven has been implemented
KR3: Project Sigma Omega Seven has been monetized
The ultimate point of complete market domination and infinite growth is, of course, monetization. While we don’t know what “Sigma Omega Seven” is or what it represents, we can only imagine that it actualizes AI to achieve a complete paradigm shift that disrupts the dominate archetype. As soon as we know what this is, it should be trivial to achieve.
In closing, while we are deeply mired in the swamp of uncertainty and despair, we remain eternally optimistic that we will revitalize our business.
Tasting Notes
This is the second quarterly made-by-best-of-new-to-me playlist, where I celebrate new finds across genre and time. Basically, all the music I’ve liked in the past 3 months, agitated lovingly in a shaker, and poured over ice.
A couple of stand-outs:
the brutal lyricism and guitar work of Lutalo
the charming bedroom-garage pop of Whatever, Dad and Okay Kaya
Melody Gardot’s smoke-infused jazz club sensibility
dreamscape twang from infinite bisous
dark and beautiful folk from June McDoom and Liana Flores
kiwi indie progenitors The Bats
new wave deep cuts The Passions
imaginary soundtracks made with love from Colemine Records’ Ironsides and Okonski
the immensely lovable goofiness of Ginger Root and Jerkcurb
foundational folk-jazz from Tarry Callier and Labi Siffre
Pale Saints, my new favorite 4AD group
But of course there’s a lot here. Please enjoy and don’t forget to help boost our KPIs.